Genesis 30:1 — When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!”
All these bibblical ladies are mad about having babies. But I don’t get it. They’re so… poopy. And loud. And dumb. You take your eyes off them for even one second and they’re trying to do flips on an open fifteenth story window, or juggling flaming knives. What the heck, babies!? Don’t you understand anything? Oh. No. ’Cause you’re babies.
And thirteen babies?? I know that no single mother in this story has thirteen babies all on her own, but there are still thirteen babies passing through thirteen vaginas in this one family.
Genesis 29:18 — Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”
Seven years for a bride is too long. Seven years for an anything is too long. Seven years for super powers is slightly too long. Maybe I’d work for five years, but to be honest, I probably wouldn’t, ’cause super powers don’t exist.
So there’s a head’s up for you in case you’re ever approached by some charlatan claiming he’ll give you powers in return for anything. A nickle even. A wooden nickel. Don’t give him a thing. He’s lying.
I’ve been hearing a lot about morality, and whether or not one can have morality without a god. But you know what? This debate is just plain silly. And you know it’s silly. So let’s all just calm down and put this to bed right now.
I’m going to tell you a little story about a man named Josh. Josh is a pretty unremarkable dude. He lives a pretty normal life. Occasionally he does laundry. But sometimes he doesn’t.
One day, Josh siphels your mother.
This upsets you. Your mother will never be the same. All of those amazing brownies she used to bake? You know the ones with the walnuts? Welp, they’re gone. ’Cause she’s not longer capable of baking them. And your father was naturally so distraught over this, that he hung himself in the basement.
So, is sipheling moral? You don’t know what sipheling is. I don’t know what sipheling is. But is it moral?
No. The answer is no. Obviously it’s no. And because you didn’t know what it was, you had to use your brain to figure it out.
So, there we have it. The illusive question of morality has been answered! And we didn’t need god at all! He can just keep chilling on some magical beach somewhere, sipping mineral water and not having to worry about writing us a memo every time we have to wonder if we’re being a dick or not.